She Was Lost In Her Longing to Understand

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For the longest time I always felt like there was something missing in my life and that missing piece has left this sense of emptiness inside of me. For months I tried filling this void with every possible thing I could think of — a new job, leadership opportunity, hobby, I even tried filling this void with a guy but despite my countless efforts nothing seemed to work and I continued to feel emptier and emptier. I was never able to pinpoint the direct cause of it and I struggled so much with this unsettling feeling. It was a constant battle within myself that eventually lingered into my relationships. I wasn’t happy and never fully present with the people that mattered most in my life. It became so bad that I eventually settled with the idea that this emptiness might just be a constant in my life...

But just as I felt all hope was lost, I went abroad and somewhere along the way of all the partying, adventures around the city, and eating (lots and lots of eating), the emptiness I had mentioned earlier began to close and I soon found myself becoming whole once again.

Maybe all I needed was a change in scenary for me to realize I needed to change the way I lived my life. I had spent my whole life pleasing others and trying to be someone that everyone expected me to be. I did this for my parents, my friends, my teachers, for boys. I manipulated the way I lived my life for the sake of fulfilling everyone’s expectations of the Cindy I should be and this left me feeling empty. I had used up all of my energy to fulfill my unrealistic desire to make everyone around me happy that by the end of the day there wasn’t anything left to bring me happiness but everything changed when I moved to Barcelona for the summer. A city I knew absolutely no one, in a country I had never been before — all on my own. I was finally placed in an environment where I had no one to satisfy but myself. No one trying to influence my life decisions based on their wants. No one depending on me to cater my life towards their needs. No one to worry about but me. Do you know how refreshing that is? To finally realize that there is so much more to life than satisfying as many people as you possibly can and to finally live your life for you & only you.

At the beginning of this journey, I was a lost soul hopelessly trying to find myself but never would I have thought that I’d actually find myself here. I expected to just have fun, party, and live it up like any other student studying abroad would expect but I got so much more out of this. I learned to live on my own and for the most part, be alone and to like it. There’s nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company. After all, that’s when the most self discovery takes place.

And here I am finishing my study abroad program in one of the most beautiful cities in the world feeling so complete.

But even more so, this trip has made me realize there is so much more to life than what I had planned for myself. Everyone has a calling, something they’re destined to do. Some are lucky enough to discover this calling early on, some later. For me, I always thought the plan was to graduate college, land a job at a fortune five hundred company (a girl can dream, right?), and raise a family in the Bay Area. I thought I was set with all the ingredients to live a happy life but this trip hit me with a wake up call. Despite how safe my plan was and how content I could have been following it, I realized I’ll never give myself the opportunity to genuinely be happy if I just stay in one place my whole life. I need adventure. I need to travel. I need to be placed in unknown situations, go places I’ve never been before, and immerse in cultures I’ve never encountered. I need the thrill. I need to live.

Maybe it’s the high of studying abroad or the romanticism of Europe but whatever it is, I genuinely believe traveling and moving away after college is what I need. A summer abroad just wasn’t enough for me. I have so much potential and I’ll never forgive myself if I’m never able to tap into it. For the first time in who knows how long, the emptiness is gone. I got a taste of what it’s like to feel full again and I won’t make the same mistake of letting it go.